My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
