I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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