As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
