I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
