you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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