Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
