If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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