I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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