My first STD was from a foam party
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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