your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
