Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Randomize
