He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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