you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
