my mouth tastes like poor choices
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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