EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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