I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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