either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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