from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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