I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
And my parents said I crawled through the house
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
