The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
