Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
