Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
