Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
