someone owes me an orgasm
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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