Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
