They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
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