I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Come on in and take your pants off
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