I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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