I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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