She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
