Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
