I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
