i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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