My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
