so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
