Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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