So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dick very happy bro
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
