I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
