omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
