I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
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Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
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I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.