He is such a slut. More and more my type.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more