I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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