I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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