He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
