Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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