I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
