If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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