I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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