you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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