Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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