My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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