found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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