I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
