I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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