He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
