Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
