I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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