Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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