dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
