Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
