cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My bed smells like the plague
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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