do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
