i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better